Overcoming Difficulties

I am not a well child, my mother once told me. I am not like other children. Sometimes I will not be able to do things that other children do. From a young age I have known, and come to accept this fact. Of the resentment I once held for every doctor I have seen, I now hold equal gratitude. It is not their fault that I am like this. They aren’t here to make me feel eternally unwell or hopeless. I once found it hard to believe, but they are here to help me.

I have often felt alone, completely isolated from everybody else. Whether it is my panic attacks or my hypoglycaemia, my sleep apnoea or the cysts that inhabit my brain, I will never be just like everybody else. I have spent enough time crying in my bedroom about this to know that I can’t control what happens inside my body, I can only control how I deal with it. No amount of tears will take away my risk of fainting or going unconscious. Hiding away will not take away my risk of going blind or becoming infertile. I cannot change these things. I can spend all my time worrying about the fact that my aorta is weaker than the average and my lung capacity is reduced, or I can live my life, aware but unaffected by the fact that my health hangs in the balance.

I’ve seen too many doctors to be able to name every kind. My mother likes to joke that I’m under every specialist in the hospital, which admittedly has some truth to it.  At times I get angry and sad about my health and the endless doctors appointments, but I can thank the lovely doctors and nurses for they way they spoke louder than the voice in my head telling me to just give up on my health. They were the reassurance that I needed to keep going and they helped me get my health back on track when it had gone off the rails and seemed to be headed for a cliff.

I know things could be worse. I could be terminally ill. I could be bedridden. What I have to remind myself is that I am not terminally ill. I am not bedridden. I have the freedom to live my life, and I refuse to let my health run my life the way it has been for the past 5 years. I am stronger than a diagnosis and I will fight my hardest through every obstacle in my path. This is the promise that I make to myself; that I will be strong; I will not give up, no matter what happens. I know that many more difficulties lie ahead of me, but I will not let that stand in the way of all of the wonderful things that life has to offer.

Nobody ever said that life would be easy. Nobody ever said that life would be fair. But regardless, life is worth living. 

That's all from me,

Dancer Free xx

Anxiety and Panic Attacks -My Story

Hi,

I started having panic attacks when I was 9 years old. I had no idea what was happening to me and I was convinced that I was dying. I felt isolated and scared because nobody could tell me what was happening. Every time it happened, I was left shaking and crying for hours afterwards and on a few occasions, I ended up passed out in the emergency room. The whole experience showed me that mental health is just as important as physical health.

It all began with what I now believe to be Chronic HVS (Hyperventilation Syndrome), something that I still suffer with sometimes, even years later. I constantly felt short of breath, but then every 4 or 5 breaths I was able to breathe deeply. After a few nights of this(I was only feeling short of breath at night or when I thought about my breathing during the day), I got up and told my parents what was happening. They called an ambulance and I was  examined. There was nothing wrong with me, they said. 

My symptoms persisted and worsened and a few nights later, we drove down the road to the hospital. We parked the car and I got out and began walking towards the doors. All of a sudden, the world seemed to go underwater and telescope away from me and my legs gave out. It was one of the most terrifying sensations that I have ever experienced. All I could do was scream as my mum dragged me in through the sliding doors. The lady at the reception pointed us through another set of doors where there was a nurse waiting. At this point, I couldn't breathe and my hands and feet were tingling so much that I could barely feel anything. When the nurse told me to breathe because I was hyperventilating, I insisted that I was dying as I gasped for breath. I spent the next 12 hours in a hospital room trying to recover my breath.

The following 2 weeks were spent going in and out of emergency rooms and doctors offices. The panic attacks were happening at least twice a day and they were getting worse and worse. Things would escalate at the slightest of touches and I was triggered by the strangest things, including American idol and a certain ice-cream flavour. Every nurse in the emergency room was subjected to my many questions; Do I have cancer? Do I have meningococcal? Do I have a brain tumour? Of course, the answer to all of these questions was no. 

I saw many psychologists, and none of them were able to tell me exactly what was wrong and why. It was one of the most difficult times in my life and I hope that anxiety can become a more common topic, so that no anxiety sufferer is ever made to feel isolated or helpless.

Anxiety is something that can affect anyone at any time. No anxiety sufferer is alone in how they feel.

As usual, any feedback is greatly appreciated.

That's all from me

Dancer Free xx

A Letter of Hope

Hi,

I recently met a girl online who is going through a very difficult time in her life. She self harms and has an eating disorder. She confided in me, telling me her feelings and the things that are happening in her life. Her situation is difficult, and one that I did not know how to help her with. I felt helpless as I opened up the images that she would send me of her slit wrists. I told her a countless number of times that whatever happened was only temporary, but every time I said this, I was met with, 'Nothing will get better, my life is permanently terrible. The only way for this to get better is for me to kill myself.' What could I do to help her? I have never experienced anything like what is was going through. The idea of a young life being taken away broke my heart and I knew I had to do something. In a moment of desperation, I did the only thing that I knew how, I wrote.

This is the letter that I wrote:

I don't know what it feels like to be in your situation, I don't know the solution, but I do know that nobody should be made to feel unhappy or worthless. We all have the right to happiness and I hate to see that happiness being taken away. Life is full of ups and downs and it is so easy to forget all of the good things in life when there seems to be so many bad things happening, but I promise you that whatever it is, it will get better.  Please don't tell yourself that things will stay this way forever, because the only certain thing in this universe is change. I'm not saying it will fix all your problems, but if you think positively about the situation, it becomes so much easier. Wake up every morning and smile, even if its forced, even if it hurts. You can do this, and you will do this. You are stronger than you think, and when it feels like the whole world is against you, the strongest thing that you can do is get back up on your feet and show them that they can't break you. Use all of your energy to find the good things in life and remember that no matter what happens, you are always moving forward and growing as a person.  Life is amazing, and if you push through this, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

I was once told, holding thoughts inside of yourself is like holding a bag of marbles at arms length. That bag of marbles is light and easy to carry at first, but the longer you hold onto it, the heavier it becomes, until it feels like your arm is about to break off. But by telling somebody how you are feeling, you drop a few of those marbles out of the bag, and little by little, the bag gets lighter and easier to carry. 

Its hard to see people going through difficult times and not know how to help them be okay again, but I know that you are strong enough to get through this, because every time you wanted so badly to give up, something inside of you made you fight just a little bit harder. 

I know that this letter is not a solution, but I hope that it gives you strength and hope. 

Know that everything happens for a reason, and you were put on this Earth with a purpose.

If you have any questions, comments, requests or tips, please leave them in the comments below.

That's all from me,

Dancer Free xx

Sexuality and Sexual Orientation: A Spectrum

Hi,

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about sexuality and sexual orientation, and what it means to be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual or demisexual. Sexual orientation being what gender(s) you are attracted to and sexuality being how much attraction you have towards that gender(s).

All of the terms listed above are in fact labels. They take somebodies sexual orientation and sexuality and they put it in a category. This seems like a great way to make sure everybody can identify their sexual orientation and sexuality, but what happens when you don't fit into a category? What if you identify as heterosexual, but you at times feel attraction to the same sex. Does this make you bisexual? No. When people have these feelings, they become very confused.

What most people don't understand is that sexual orientation is not all black and white, there is not only gay, straight and bi, but many degrees in between. If you asked me to label myself in regards to my sexual orientation, I would label myself a heterosexual person. But there is so much that this doesn't tell you about my sexual orientation. The only thing that the word heterosexual tells you about a person is that they are attracted to the opposite sex. Being heterosexual doesn't mean that you don't have any attraction to the same sex. Some people like to identify their sexual orientation using the Kinsey Scale.

The Kinsey Scale is a number line, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual, and 6 being exclusively homosexual. The reason that the Kinsey scale is sometimes difficult to identify with, is that its measurements go by sexual behaviours, not sexual feelings. However, something that the Kinsey scale does bring to the table is the idea of being ambisexual, that is, having feelings and/or relationships with people of both sexes, regardless of the ratio of the genders of those involved.

Sexuality is often thought of as a triangle with a gradient, with black being asexual, grey being demisexual and white being a spectrum of sexual orientation.

A heterosexual person is defined as a person attracted to the opposite sex.
A homosexual person is defined as a person attracted to the same sex.
A bisexual person is defined as a person attracted the both the same sex and the opposite sex.
An asexual person is defined as a person with no sexual feelings for other people.
A demisexual person is defined as a person who does not experience sexual feelings for another person until they have formed a strong emotional bond.

The above definitions may seem like they account for everybody's sexual orientation, but they don't, because they are labels.

Sexuality and sexual orientation should be seen on a spectrum, and its time that we take a stand against the labels that limit sexual orientation and sexuality.

I hope that this blog post has given a different perspective and that it has been helped people to understand their sexuality and sexual orientation.

If you have any feedback, tips, suggestions or questions, please leave them in the comments.

That's all from me,

Dancer Free xx

Catcalling

Hi,

I am not somebody who often feels disrespected or taken advantage of as a girl. To be honest, I am quite happy with the relationship that women nowadays share with the opposite sex. Like all other females, I believe that men and women are equal, but I also don't think that there is anything wrong with males being more dominant and forthcoming.

It is traditional that a man should be the one to take most of the important steps in a relationship such as asking a woman out on a first date or proposing. But I think there needs to be a line between advancing in a relationship and catcalling a girl because of how she looks, or even just because she is a girl.

I have never really seen what the fuss is about with catcalling, but then, as a teenage girl, I wouldn't have any idea to begin with; I have never been approached by a man; I have never felt violated by the opposite sex; I have never been catcalled...until today.

As I walked past a cafe, I looked inside it through a window to see how busy it was. Every table was full of people my age and evidently there was a school function going on. As I strolled by, people at the tables began to stand up. There were about 5 boys, holding their hands up to their ears, mimicking a phone and mouthing 'call me'. At first, I was flattered, happy even, because these boys had noticed me, and maybe they even thought I was attractive. As somebody who does not consider themselves good looking or appealing to the opposite sex, this excited me and gave me confidence. But as soon as I rounded the corner, doubt filled my head. What if it was a dare? What if they had been teasing me? What if they had done it because they thought I was ugly? Suddenly, I didn't feel good about the situation, I felt unsettled and violated. What made these boys think that they could act like this to me, a complete stranger?

I know that this situation is mild compared to what some women experience, and I am aware that I am probably overthinking this and that the boys were probably just joking around with each other, but it is the fact that they probably were joking that bothers me. Instead of treating me with respect, as though I was somebody that they were genuinely interested in, or ignoring me if I was not, they chose to briefly communicate with me in a way that I found disrespectful.

To boys, catcalling probably seems completely harmless and even funny, but they need to know that girls don't feel the same way. Catcalling is something that leaves a girl with many questions about the situation and it is so often taken the wrong way. I think catcalling needs to stop, and by spreading awareness to men about the way women feel, all females can feel respected and safe.

If you have any feedback, questions, similar experiences or if you simply want to share your opinion, I would love to hear from you in the comments below.

Thats all from me,

Dancer Free xx

When Skinny Is Not Skinny Enough

Hi,

Something that I've been thinking alot about recently is body image and how the media is affecting our self esteem.

I am 155 cm (5 foot) and I weigh 33 kg (73 pounds). You don't need to be an expert on BMI to know that I'm extremely underweight. I have a lot of health problems because of how little body fat I have and I know that I need to gain weight, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as thin.

As a dancer, I have very toned legs and abdominals, but the muscle tone that I was once so proud of, I now find myself wishing did not exist. Of legs that do not change width the whole way down, where I used to see thin thighs, I now see big calves. Of a stomach with a raised abdominal structure, where I used to see abs, I now see a layer of fat.

2 years ago, if you had asked me if I thought the media had an impact on my self esteem and body image, I would have shortly and confidently said no. But now, who else do I have to blame for my sudden drop in self esteem? The people around me are no skinnier than I am, but the celebrities I see in magazines... well thats a different story. Their thighs and calves seem as skinny as my wrist, their stomachs seem as flat as a board, and they look beautiful. I know that these celebrities  put enormous pressure on their bodies in order to achieve a stick figure, some sticking to a diet consisting only of liquids, but a small part of me wants to be as thin as these people.

I want to stress that I would never act on the whim to become super thin. Being as thin as some models and celebrities is not healthy and is not what we should see as the perfect body type. Humans are programmed to strive for perfection, but the media has changed our view of what perfection really is.

No matter what your gender, age or size is, we can all have self esteem issues. I am the last person that you would expect to want to be thinner, but even if I am skinny, in the eyes of the media, I will never be skinny enough. This is something that we can change.

You are beautiful just the way you are and no magazine article can change that.

If you have any feedback, suggestions, tips or questions, I would love to read them in the comments below.

Thats all from me

Dancer Free xx

Dancer Free

Hi,

Firstly, I want to explain my online name: Dancer Free

I know what you're thinking, and I agree, it is a very strange name to sign a blog post off with, but hear me out.

I came up with the name Dancer Free after reading the book Girl Online by Zoe Sugg (a.k.a Zoella)

In Girl Online, the main character Penny, suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, just like I do. In order to work through her anxiety, she creates an alter ego. Whenever she feels anxious, Penny simply takes on the persona of her alter ego, Ocean Strong, who is confident and courageous. 

Dancer Free is my alter ego. To people who don't suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, the idea of this may seem strange and maybe even a little silly, but in the past few weeks, in any situation in which I felt uncomfortable or anxious, all I had to do was act like Dancer Free. I have not had a panic attack since I read Girl Online, because every time I feel the panic rising up inside me, I am able to shake it off.

I chose to call my alter ego Dancer Free because, as somebody with very severe anxiety, the one thing that I want is to be free;  to go wherever I want without having to worry about having a panic attack; to get on an aeroplane without having to worry about having a heart attack or the plane crashing; to do what I want to do, without a care in the world. Dance is something that allows me to feel free. When I dance, I forget about my agoraphobia,my asthenophobia and my acrophobia. Dancing is my way of escaping from the anxiety that follows me like a shadow. 

This is the first blog post that I have ever written, so you're going to have to bear with me as I try to develop a sense of what I want this blog to focus on. 

I still don't really know a whole lot about where I want to go with this blog, and its definitely going to take me a few weeks to get the hang of it, but I hope I will eventually be able to provide entertainment and advice to anybody who chooses to read my blog.

I hope this blog post hasn't been too rambly or long, but I've done my best.

If you have any feedback, tips for coping with anxiety, similar experiences or questions, I would love if you shared them in the comments below.

Thats all from me,

Dancer Free xx